I think I’ve finally figured it out. The whole “weed in Texas” thing, I mean.

Governor Abbott is so back and forth about this issue. Why? The floor must be uneven.

Laugh; he’s a jerk.

They allowed these CBD stores to open by the thousands a couple of years ago. Then, realized all too late that hemp can be made to get you high AF as well. Oops.

Personal story: the first time I tried delta 8 or 9 or whatever gummies, I was on my way to get pho during the pandemic. I live in a walkable neighborhood, and one of those dispensaries was along the way. They had peach rings. It wasn’t even a question. Peach rings.

I immediately had one, and It was delicious.

By the time I returned home, ate pho, and settled in for a movie – my very first viewing of the gen x nerd classic, “Bladerunner” – I was in the corner of my couch in the fetal position wanting to find my safe space.

(Upon second, sober viewing of “Bladerunner” one year later, it ended up being a mighty-fine film.)

That’s not weed, my peeps; that’s science. Science gone mad on their own products.

It’s cool, though. I have a guy. Or gal. We’ve never met.

Anyway, I know what Texas is doing. Hear me out. It’s mostly logical and theoretical stoner ramblings, but hear me out.

Texas is allowing some of these dispensaries to sell actual tree, but it’s watered down. The THC level is genetically weakened, therefore making it controllable.

Think about alcohol for a second. Think about REAL moonshine and the can of beer you get from the store. Moonshine is the real deal, and that crappy, blue can only boasts 5.5% alcohol by volume. The number varies from state to state and is controlled by the government.

Trust me, there’s nothing natural about government control.

The Texas state government is fiddling with cannabis to get the THC amount to a controllable level. If the citizen takes a couple of hits, no harm; no foul. If the citizen packs a whole bowl and appears impaired through probable cause traps? Congratulations; you’re going to jail for the night to become one of the millions placed on legal probation, which funds the great Texas machine.

They’ve been doing it to the minority communities for decades. Now that Caucasians are damn-near the minority, or at least on a level playing field with every other race, they’re formulating a way to “Oops Tax” the crackers.

You see, we already live in micro-dictatorships, our governors just aren’t cool enough to be tyrannical and interesting at the same time. You know, like we’ve come to expect from years of Star Wars and Game of Thrones.

Trump tries, but he’s OLD. You can’t be Hitler with a load full of poop in your pants. In rolls Greg Abbott, stage left.

Dad joke: Our president craps himself on a regular basis. Russia’s is just Putin. You’re welcome.

And now, the smile.

All those wealthy Jesus freaks in Austin are so busy trying to squeeze every ounce of blood from the local cannabis farmers and dispensaries (you know, the same ones they allowed to open over the last few years), they’re missing all the fun to be had on the streets with us regular folk.

The government sees laws and numbers; that’s it. They write the laws, issue a compliance sticker to the dispensaries, and profit like mad cats from our beloved plant. This is what they did after alcohol prohibition state-to-state as well. They re-legalized it just as soon as they were satisfied with the amount of control they had over the product. Capitalism.

This is where it gets ironic. Enter “Capone” on an exponential level. Cannabis grows fast and easy, whereas most alcoholic products take time. Texas has shot itself in the foot.

Rumor around the hookah is that Oklahoma farmers, who were duped into opening CBD dispensaries in Texas a few years ago, are slapping “Texas Approved” THC percentage stickers on the real-deal in some locations. How is this possible?

The government is too busy doing what the government does; looking at laws and numbers. They put the cart before the horse, as usual. There’s not enough regulation to enforce the loopholed laws. There’s stickers, though, and that’s all that matters. Just enough of an escape clause for the state government to duck out of fault whenever some conservative big-money donor’s kid gets smeared across the highway from driving while stoned.

If you’re lucky enough to stumble upon one of these magical locations, you can grab an ounce of legit Oklahoma shake for forty bucks, no lie. You can use it to “cut” your quality product and double your stock. I have standards, though.

I’ve got a guy.

Preach truths, toke jokes, and shoplift Amazon. I hope all you space cadets have a wonderful Saturday. The best historical politicians were the ones who didn’t get caught.

Rev.

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