The Gonzo Wolf

What in the hell type of photo did AI just generate from the following passage?

Just when I thought it was time to pick up my guitar, my creative flow took another route. That’s right; the bathroom. Not to be the bearer of too much information, but I’ve been spending a lot of time there since the holidays.

Let’s set the mood…

Yes, it was that violent at times. I have some strange food allergies, and even the slightest amount of cross-contamination can put me down for a couple of weeks. Are you ready for this?

• Mushrooms (I’ve known this since I was 17. Worked at Pizza Inn/Pizza Hut. BAM)
• Eggs (Discovered in the last few years. Always hated them. Smelled like farts)
• Chicken (Really? Is this why I’ve never had what physicians consider “a normal trip to the bathroom” my entire life? Do you mean food isn’t supposed to make my tummy hurt? Mad because I didn’t like the way something tasted to me and I didn’t clean my plate? My god; fuck southern logic, but I digress, as usual)
• Turkey (Same as above, but on holidays).

Seriously. That’s two consecutive months of sickness, the holidays.

Chicken is a daily staple of the American diet and, subliminally or by choice, I’ve preferred beef. When I was a married guy, the wife chose the menu. Chicken was a favorite, and cheaper, and possibly easier to prepare. Not sure what the logic was, but…yeah. Chicken. I would always get fat and bloated. Then, when I’d divorce, I’d begin to slim down quickly even though my habits never changed.

“No bullshit.” – Me

I subliminally avoided my allergens when I was the one doing the shopping or prepping. Trippy, right? Then, I’d start dating, eating out more (ting), and having meals in places unaware of my discomforts. This led to the removal of my gall bladder, with time, which strongly encourages you to eat white meats after doing so. I spent the next few years in and out of the hospital with zero answers.

Not a single one of those brainiacs thought to look at the simplest cause. “We are what we eat,” said some old bastard back in the gap. If you feel like crap all the time, you should stop and take a hard look at what you put inside of it…

…NO MATTER WHAT SOCIATAL NORMS OR TRADITIONAL FAMILY NONSENSE IMPLIES.

I mean, according to society, “Who da fuq is allergic to (chicken, turkey, eggs)? choose one.

This guy. I am da fuq.

A smart wife and a year long food journal later, I now know I’m allergic to these “common” foods. It didn’t take long to adopt new kitchen practices to accommodate my health since my wife suffers from Celiac. Gluten beware, right? Our restaurant choices are limited, and not cheap. We manage somehow.

Now that you’re up to speed on my insides, I want to tell you about the super-power it’s given me. As with my wife, she will be the first to tell you that you can’t trust every restaurant who claims to be gluten free or every label. Trial and error has taught her what’s good, what’s a lie, and what she can medically afford to allow int our home.

My super power? I can tell which “meat” producing companies lie.

I know which pork and beef products are being cut with chicken or turkey behind the consumer curtain to trim costs in the current economy. That said, just go ahead and accuse some of the most popular brands on the planet. How many holiday dishes are made with the above mentioned products?

It’s been childhood all over again, but I’m getting over it. In the meantime, if I were an investor or a better journalist, I’d want to poke around in that mess to see what else they’re not telling us. I personally don’t have to worry about it – I won’t buy from these companies again; I hate dishonesty – but someone looking for a headline or documentary idea could use it as a place to start; hypothetically.

Conservative Politicians: think about it. All these kids with upset tummies spending all that additional time on the toilet. Idle-hands, and whatnot. Lots of kids in your district going blind…

Eww…I just felt a conservative politician get a little too excited about little kids with their pants around their ankles; momentarily incapacitated…

Okay. Liberal Politicians: some of you are allowed to eat pork so…

Eh. They’re going to pork us all, one way or another, but I’d prefer they use pure sausage when they do. Really grab onto my love handles and let me have it. No one likes a half-ass.

Preach truths, toke jokes, and shoplift Amazon. Check your sausage lol. Woof.