I’ve been married four times so I consider myself somewhat an expert on the subject. If not the act of marriage, then surely the act of divorce. Unfortunately, I don’t have a law degree, which means I cannot profit from this experience. I’m an ordained minister, though; performed a couple dozen weddings. I take “donations”.

My wife and I just got back from the Floresville Mini-Book Festival in South Texas. We met a ton of new wonderful authors and basically spent every waking moment together in the same room. To some, that may sound exactly like your day to day. To us, it’s rare.

You see, this time around, I married a girl who is goal-oriented, highly educated, and professional. We didn’t know each other while we were growing up or in younger stages of our lives. In other words, we didn’t meet in a controlled environment – like school or college.

People change when they leave the scholastic world and transform into mortgage paying adults. Rarely ever do we remain those same people who we fell in love with back in the good old days. Travel, meet new people, experience life, and leave your past behind. Through my experiences, that is the key to a happy marriage.

At least, that’s how we make ours work. Disclaimer.

But it’s not THE key.

I know no one is truly prepared to hear this, or see this in print, but it’s a truth we all must “stomach”.

The key to a happy marriage is giving each other enough space to fart.

Married people don’t fart. I mean, we do, but we don’t. We don’t poop in the same room, and we don’t plant stink bombs for the next person to walk in on. At night, when one of you subconsciously lets one slip; that was a ghost, not a butt whisper.

Also, marry “up”. Learn to woo someone who lived a better life than you did growing up. That way, you respect the climb, and she’ll appreciate the effort.

I don’t need anyone to validate this with statistical research; my mind is made up. I’ve seen similar differences in that of a life-long friend and I thought it odd, at first. My situation, at the time, being in a marriage born of high school roots, was beginning to crumble. Now, I know that formula was right all along.

Anyway, blah blah blah with the past. I don’t peck these words of wisdom for the dozen or so people who lived it; I write for the billions of those out there who could use a smile, wince at a rude comment, or find that piece of truth to get them through their day.

That said…

Farting. The key to a happy marriage is farting.

My wife and I both are victims of life threatening food allergies. Day to day, we have our careers and separate interests. We just spent three whole days together at a book conference with nights in a hotel room in between; no privacy.

When we got home, before we even thought about unloading the car…

It was orgasmic. I’d place it right up there with the events of most people’s honeymoon night. She went upstairs; I went down. Release. A gastro sixty-nine. I know, from an outsider’s perspective, this sounds grotesque. For those in the know? I got your back.

The key to a happy marriage: Butt privacy; the absence of stank.

If you’re one of those couples who can fart on each other like cousins at a summer camp and make it work, I’m happy for you, and you’ll never have to worry about me coming to visit you in your fart fort. That’s why the aliens gave us smart phones; “pharts”, if you will. To each, their own. My cell phone is not a “smell” phone; we’re good.

As for me and mine?

You Shall Not Pass!!!

Preach truths, toke jokes, and shoplift Amazon.