Recent events have led me to believe that my services are outdated in the physical world. My body no longer functions to the likings of modern society. The timing is perfect.

I’m fifty-one years old now but I live the life of a millennial. My wife is significantly younger, the bread-winner of the household, and our family pace-setter.

My doctor told me last week that my bloodwork came back wonderful, my cholesterol was perfect, and that I was built like a gorilla. I’ve managed to fool my brain into believing I’m in my mid-thirties. I’m successful until I pass a mirror.

I still instinctively revert to physical solutions for inconveniences. Hypothetical examples being: hauling a guitar, amp, equipment bag, stands, and stool in one trip from a truck to a coffee shop when multiple trips or a cheap cart were available options, or driving a two-and-a-half hour round-trip to literally go insane on someone when a cryptic, revealing Facebook post would’ve sufficed.

Luckily, we live in the age of the fat-ass. As a species, we can be born, live, and die without ever leaving the room. Doctors, food, and the funeral home will all come running to you with the push of a button. If you’re fortunate enough, and if you can flash the proper amount of coin in the right direction, life can come to you. 

The Reverend finds this boring as fuck, but who am I to harp on someone else’s lifestyle?

That said, I shall become a sedimentary, failing corpse who sits in his loft, taunting peasant ghosts with cynical lyrics because they hurt my feelings once upon a time.

Say what you will, but at least I’m honest. I’m also still mildly handsome and quite talented in several areas. I mean, I didn’t grow up with power or money, so I worked harder to become relevant. Too bad it’s going to all go to waste as I turn into a literal Jabba The Hutt behind a laptop.

Gonna just have to burn the place down when it’s all said and done like Gilbert Grape’s mom.

Preach truths, toke jokes, and shoplift Amazon.

Can we attend book cons via Zoom? Auto-pen?

Also…dont forget your book!

Today’s offering?

“This profound collection of horror brings classic monsters into new light in the modern day” – B.L. Blankenship, God Walks The Dark Hills series.

The modern world is a crazy place. Worrying about childish politicians, empty grocery store shelves, and our pending membership to the “global disease of the week” club, it leaves very little time for the average reader to finish an entire novel. This is where Six from Five Seven: Short Stories from a Short Man comes in clutch! A story per day to keep the impending apocalypse away, with a single day left over to contemplate why you purchased this book in the first place. That sounds like an entertaining week when compared to the one you were destined to have regardless. What do a cursed husband, a privileged brat, a curious prostitute, a repressed savior, a vengeful son, and two hell-bound soldiers have in common? Their stories lie within the pages of this collection and invite you to tag along on their journeys of fate, redemption, and demise. When finished, you, dear reader, can hide this book inside your basement with the rest of those important documents you wished you’d never taken home. The FBI won’t be happy, but at least they’ll know you’re a cool person for owning a copy while conducting the raid. That must count for something, right? Let’s hope the judge thinks so!

Also, there’s a few other things not listed here that are floating around out there. Best of luck with the hunt.