I know there’s a possibility you’ll see this. You remind me of the type of person who Googles himself on occasion, just to rebuild your personal revenge list. We can smell our own.

I don’t know who you truly are. The world media paints you to be a heartless criminal. I’m not a huge fan of your Ukrainian behavior, but I’m sure no one with an opinion knows the entire story. All conflicts can be resolved with weed, a sunset, and a tailgate next to a body of water. Y’all should try it.

Get blitzed and go explore Chernobyl. That sounds epic!

My question is…

How did you do it? How did you stand there with a straight face next to the world’s biggest joke as he filled his diaper and ranted circles around the nothing you both accomplished? I would never play poker against you.

Anyway, please stop killing people before you piss off the aliens. Also, Christmas is coming up and I’ve been eyeballing this gorgeous purple Fender Strat.

Tootles,

The Reverend