The Gonzo Wolf

I turned down a trip to see the new Super Mario Galaxy movie. If I wanted to be distracted by a bunch of flashy colors and Mad Libs narration, I’d watch Fox News. At least that’s not a hundred dollar outing considering admission, fuel, parking, snacks/food, and Alamo Drafthouse’s automatic 18+% gratuity. A casual weekend trip to the movies now costs as much as a childhood, suburbia-nightmare trip to Six Flags. Are you proud, Hollywood?

I spent most of my day alone; by choice. I got so carried away in No Man’s Sky (not a lot of conservative media outlets in my neck of the galaxy), I failed to notice three identical SUV’s parking simultaneously outside. At first, I thought the Men In Black were finally coming to erase my brain, but – after further inspection – realized there’s a gathering at a home across the way. Dear Hispanic-American community: stop car shopping in herds! That’s the kind of thing white-big-brother does!!!

Suddenly, loud pops rang out accompanied by the screams of children. I’m not sure if I remember a time when such sounds brought to mind occasions of happiness rather than tragedy. Perhaps it was September 10th, 2001. It was also the last time I played golf. I hated golf. It was never my idea, I was just accidentally good at it.

If you don’t follow political news as closely as I pretend not to do, then you probably don’t know that Donald Trump is openly attacking The Pope on that lame social media platform he owns. No, I haven’t suddenly turned religious, but my grandparents were Catholic, and I respect The Pope in their honor. If every Latino and Irishman in New England isn’t loading their shotguns and heading to Washington DC, then I have zero faith left in the ability to derail the self-tanned lunatic.

He claims to be Christian, which we know is farcical, and he’d bash Pope Leo long before Netanyahu. Trump might not suck an Israeli dick, but he’d hold it in his mouth until it went limp. Jewish people are beautiful, but they might want to work on their representation. After that, they can speak with WordPress about the definition of antisemitic. It’s possible to hate political figures without bringing religion into play; believe it or not. It’s the only thing me and old Tucker Carlson ever agreed on.

Mine and the wife’s seven-year anniversary came and went without fanfare. Our son’s birthday is a day away and it’s always more about him; as it should be. We had coffee together this morning, and she made a brilliant roasted vegetable soup with an asiago and fried onion garnish. As if that weren’t enough, there were cheddar puff-pastries for dipping. Oh, no worries; she counteracted the healthy by sticking a few chocolate chips into the leftover puffs. What a satisfying way to end a quiet, stormy day in seclusion.

I think that’s why we’ve lasted so long as a couple sans near-misses. Not every occasion needs to be a social media grift. No one knew it was our anniversary. So much so, not a single person outside our household wished us well on what I consider to be a momentous occasion. Who else do you know that’s been together for longer than seven years? I can name a couple – other than parental figures – those folks are cut from a different cloth – but they’re not without moments of weakness.

Preach truths, toke jokes, and shoplift Amazon. I’ll be taking several of our secrets to my grave, and it’ll be solely left up to her to tell the tales. She won’t, and thus our love passes into history. The good kind. The kind with no pedo-poons or sudden press conferences in which to speak.